New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
