This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
