do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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