guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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