I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
