sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize