Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
