I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
