Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
