I cannot find my penis.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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