Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Randomize
