when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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