my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
