so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
