well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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