Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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