i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i came on her dog
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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