Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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