so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she peed on how many people?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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