I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
