so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
