god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
