I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
