you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
