I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
