I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
