Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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