i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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