two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
