You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
