I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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