i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
