I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
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