i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
