It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
