Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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