Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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