god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
