Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize