Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
50% drunk capacity currently
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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