i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You took a bar mat shot.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
