I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
