I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Randomize
