Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
