I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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