Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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