God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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