I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize