I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
