it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
