Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize