last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
