Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
