The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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