he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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